Category Archives: Design your future

Life could be a dream if you let it

Posted on by

There’s a famous song from the 1950s called Sh-Boom by The Chords (and also recorded by The Crew Cuts) and it goes:

Life could be a dream, if only all my precious plans would come true

These lyrics paint a picture of how many people think about their dreams. If only they would suddenly come true. If only my dream life would drop out of the sky one day! If you’re serious about living your dream life this type of mindset won’t help you get what you want. Being intentional and taking action will.

The unfortunate truth about most people’s dreams

Most people are not living their dream life. And this is statistically true. There are many reasons for this. Most people are surrounded by people who have given up on their dreams. And many people live in an environment that doesn’t command their greatness. And they give up when the pathway to achieving what they want isn’t clear.

But, you really CAN have what you want. (Isn’t that what life’s all about anyways?) Life could be a dream if you let it. You never have to settle.

There is a”secret sauce”, a recipe for getting what you want.  It’s simple too. But it takes getting out of your own way and trusting the process.

Life could be a dream if you let it

Life could be a dream if you let it: A five step process to getting what you 

Step 1: Decide what you want. Be clear and specific on what it is and why you want it

As simple as it sounds the first step is to decide what you want. Most people think about things in life they’d like to accomplish without getting specific about it. They think about what they want when they daydream, when their mind wanders. And, they think about achieving things in “one day, some day” timeframes. They don’t get serious about it with themselves.

So, decide what it is you want. This may take exploring your options. What do you want your dream life to look like? Then, once you’ve done enough researching and considering, commit to an idea.

Committing to an idea doesn’t mean it needs to stick forever. Ideas evolve. Dreams evolve. For instance, perhaps you have a dream home you’d like to one day own in Florida. Then one day after you travel to California you decide you’d rather have your dream home be built there.

Dreams and plans can change. You’re the creator after all, but start somewhere. Decide to go after something in one area of your life today. Be specific, down to the last detail about what you want. When you are specific it helps you measure your progress.

You’ll also need to consider a measurable timeframe for when you could achieve what you want.

Step 2: Chart a course between where you are now and where you want

Once you know in specific terms what you want and how long it will likely take you to get it, it’s easy to plan the most logical actions. Start small. It’s about incremental progress. Be resourceful. What programs/people can you tap into that you already know exist and are around you? If you don’t know where to start where can you go find out (ahem, Google might be a good place to start)

Step 3: Take action

The next thing to do is take action. This is the hardest step for most people. Why? Because people are creatures of habit. We get used to ways of doing things and we have trouble breaking out of the box. Second, we let fear overcome us. Doing things differently can be scary.

How do you overcome biological tendencies for fear and your habitual nature? Become the master of them by learning how you operate. This’ll give you control over the mental barriers that take you out.

Step 4: Evaluate and recalibrate

When you start taking actions you’ll start producing results. The results you produce – good or bad – are a feedback mechanism for your progress in relation to what you want. Sometimes you take an action and learn you have to steer your ship in a completely new direction. Sometimes you validate that you’re on the right track. Pay attention to what you do. Be intentional. Be strategic and you’ll get what you want faster.

Step 5: Just keep going

Persistence! When you haven’t gotten what you want, keep going. Keep going till you get it. No matter how stupid you feel. No matter how alone you feel. Keep going! You’ll get there. Be patient and persistent.

So with that, here are the lyrics of the song called “Sh-boom” and famously known by its famous lyric as Life Could Be a Dream:

Life Could Be a Dream Lyrics – “Sh-Boom”

Life could be a dream, life could be a dream
Do, do, do, do, sh-boom

Life could be a dream (sh-boom)
If I could take you up in paradise up above (sh-boom)
If you would tell me I'm the only one that you love
Life could be a dream, sweetheart
Hello, hello again, sh-boom and hopin' we'll meet again

Bom ba,
Hey nonny ding dong, alang alang alanga
Oh oh oh oh dip, a dibby dobby dip

Oh, life could be a dream (sh-boom)
If only all my precious plans would come true (sh-boom)
If you would let me spend my whole life lovin' you (sh-boom)
Life could be a dream, sweetheart (do do do do sh-boom)

Every time I look at you
Something's on my mind
If you do what I want you to
Baby, we'd be so fine!

Oh, life could be a dream (sh-boom)
If I could take you up in paradise up above (sh-boom)
And tell me darling I'm the only one that you love
Life could be a dream, sweetheart
Hello, hello again, sh-boom and hopin' we'll meet again

Bom ba,
Hey nonny ding dong, alanga langala langala langala
Oh oh dip, a dibby dobby dip
Oh, life could be a dream, life could be a dream sweetheart

Do do do do sh-boom
Do do do do sh-boom
Do do do do sh-boom
Do do do do sh-boom
Za be ba da
Dip da de da dip ba di
Woah oh
Zo be ba be be ba bi
Woah
Zo be ba be be ba

Oh, life could be a dream (sh-boom)
If I could take you up in paradise up above (sh-boom)
And tell me darling I'm the only one that you love
Life could be a dream, sweetheart
Hello, hello again, sh-boom and hopin' we'll meet again

Oh, life could be a dream (sh-boom)
If I could take you up in paradise up above (sh-boom)
And tell me darling I'm the only one that you love
Life could be a dream, sweetheart
Hello, hello again, sh-boom and hopin' we'll meet again

Bom ba
Hey nonny ding dong, alangala langala langala langala (sh-boom)
Oh oh dip a dibby dobby dip
Life could be a dream
Life could be a dream
Do do do do sh-boom

Other versions of Sh-Boom – Life could be a dream

Here are the bands that recorded Sh-Boom (Life could be a dream):

Related articles

Feeling lost? Why it’s normal and how to find yourself again

Posted on by

Okay, so you’re at a point in your life where you’re feeling lost. And, you are stuck and don’t know how to find yourself again. Feeling lost sucks because it is emotionally excruciating. But, there is some really good news about finding yourself in Nowheresville. First of all, it’s totally normal. So take a moment now to breathe a sigh of relief.

The even better news is feeling lost is useful. This is because feeling lost usually comes before feeling found. Before becoming a new you. Before learning something profound and moving into a new (and usually much better) stage of your life. It’s part of the evolution of you living your best life.

You can’t avoid feeling lost. It will happen to you at least once and probably many times over the course of your life. It’s inevitable. Though, feeling lost is less painful when you know how to handle it. So read on to learn what a feeling lost crisis is about, and how to free yourself. Read on to learn how to find yourself again.

 

Feeling lost? Here’s why…

When you feel lost in life the first thing you’ll do is ask yourself: Why do I feel lost? People desperately need to know WHY. It’s part of the machinery of being human. We’re inquisitive. And we become especially so when we find ourselves in a negative emotional funk. This is because we are desperate to get out of it. We think if we can figure out WHY then we can easily solve our problem of feeling lost.

Below are some of the varied theories on the experience of feeling lost. The the more concrete neuroscience explanation follows. However, these reasons may help you think a bit more objectively about your current situation so you can gain some quick relief.

Popular theories on feeling lost that may make you feel better

You’re getting closer to becoming your authentic self and having what you really want in life

Many spiritual leaders call periods of feeling lost the “the dark night of the soul”. It happens when you are thwarted in achieving what you want and you don’t know what to do next. You are in a space of shedding the you you were. You’re heading towards a new phase of life. So you’re in a dark place. You’re in an in-between phase. Inevitably it will pass. The “dark night of the soul” theory suggests the only thing to do is wait the period out and it will pass. The negative feelings are like a purging you have to go through. But it’s good as it will have you become a stronger deeper person and the next evolution of you will unfold.

You’re on the verge of a breakthrough!

A more progressive life performance coach approach to feeling lost would say that it’s just “the breakdown before the breakthrough”.  You have to get what doesn’t work before you get what does. Feeling lost is part of the process of feeling found. When you feel lost you’re in a breakdown mode. This will inevitably lead to a breakthrough. So feeling lost is good news because you’re on the brink of clarity!

It’s part of the natural ebb and flow of life

A Buddhist would say feeling lost is totally normal and part of the natural ebb and flow in life. Buddhists talk about impermanence. Life naturally goes through ups and downs. And once again the down comes before the up. You have to feel lost before learning how to find yourself again!

For the 20 somethings and 30 somethings reading this….

Feeling lost can happen at any stage of life however people experience more feeling lost during the 20s and 30s. This is because you’re at a point in life where you’re defining who you are. There’s even a name for it: The quarter life crisis.

The psychology behind feeling lost and why it feels so terrible

If I interviewed a group of people that were all experiencing a sense of “feeling lost” the reasons I’d get back would be varied. The reasons could range from: “I don’t know what to do with my career” to “I can’t figure out what my purpose in life is” or “my partner left me and I can’t find anyone to share my life with”.

Feeling lost is a subjective experience. People use different words to describe it. Depending on your external circumstances and your stage of life your reason will be different than your neighbor down the street.

But beneath the layers of reasons anyone gives there are only two possible core issues at play. Think of your reasons as branches on a tree with a bigger, deeper issue at the root.

Feeling lost – Root of the problem #1: You have a vision you have for your life but you have no damn clue how to achieve it

Quite often feeling lost happens when you’ve tried to get what you want for a long time and been thwarter. You may have even gotten quite creative about finding new ways to have what you want and failed. When life doesn’t go the way you plan (and if it’s been many times) you go into a space of, “Shit. What now?”. You then start to question everything.

If you’re feeling lost right now you may easily be able to tell me what it is, deep down, that you really want. You have a big dream but you have no clue what to do to get it so your next actions to take are muddy. You are paralyzed because you simply have no idea what to do to get to where you want to be.

When you don’t know how to get what you want you then start to question if you even want it! You start to consider new options for your life. You start to consider taking totally new pathways. This can leave you feeling even more confused. Even more in the dark. Even more stuck unable to feel confident about taking any new actions and to move forward.

Feeling lost – Root of the problem #2: You haven’t decided what you want your future to look like

When you look into the future and ask yourself what you want, if your answer is: “I don’t know” then you’re lost because you haven’t decided what you want and therefore are not taking action and not moving forward. This often happens when your circumstances change suddenly or without your desire for them to change. For instance, being fired from a job or breaking up with a long-term partner.

Remember this: The future your heading towards is always dictating how you feel in the now and the actions you will take now.

So, if you haven’t decided where you’re going, you won’t be going anywhere. Once again, you’re paralyzed. It’s like having a treasure map with no X marks the spot on it. If you have nowhere to get to then you have no reason to do anything.

When you’re not clear about what you want to achieve and do next in your life you’ll feel horrendous, because you’re paralyzed around your next actions. You simply don’t know what to do. When o are in this state you can’t possibly find yourself again.

The truth about both versions of feeling lost 

Happiness is linked to progress. When you’re progressing – taking action towards what you want – you will feel good. When you’re stuck in a place of “I don’t know what to do next” you’ll feel bad.

So, when you are in a space in life where you aren’t sure what to do next you’re in limbo. You’re stuck in an in between place of what you were doing and had wanted and you haven’t decided what’s next.

How to put an end to feeling lost and find yourself again

The most basic pathway out of both modes of feeling lost is to DECIDE what to do and then go DO it. That sounds easier than it is. Because often your unclear or afraid of the unknown and it messes with your ability to decide. You’ll likely find yourself to external support systems for guidance. Wisdom from people in your life (or on the web) can help you but no one can decide for you.

In order to decide you’ll need to go internal. You’ll need to consult with yourself and ask yourself some deep questions. You’ll need to consider what you’d like your future to look like and how to get there from where you are. Then, you’ll need to decide on some safe actions you can take now that won’t ruin what you have built.

For the 4 steps that will free you fast, read What am I doing with my life? 4 Steps to clarity

Related articles on how to find yourself again:

What am I doing with my life? 4 Steps to clarity

Posted on by

When you find yourself asking the question: “What am I doing with my life?”, it’s a surefire sign you’re NOT HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY DOING. You’re not fulfilled with your current life and the direction your life is headed.

If you were happy and fully aligned with your current path, you wouldn’t question it.

So first, start by taking the hints you’re sending to yourself. You are the best one to know when what you’re doing with your life is misaligned with what you actually want.

No one is going to live your life for you. It’s your job to listen to your instincts and do what’s right for you even if other people don’t get it.

Now, the more important question to be asking is: What do you DO about it? Which is probably what brought you here.

The simplest answer is: TAKE ONE NEW ACTION.

New actions always equal new results. And from those new results you can assess whether you’re progressing in the direction you like. The only way to gain traction is to get out of your head and into the game of life.

The faster you get in action, the better. And I’ve made this simple as I’ve coached thousands of people stuck in  the “what am I doing with my life” funk.  Here’s the fastest way to break out of your funk and gain the clarity you need to move forward.

Not to mention, I’ve been in this funk myself a few times.

I used to be a very successful event planner with a swanky condo and a life that looked pretty fab. Inside I was dying. So unhappy. So disconnected from my true purpose.

And it took a lot of courage to change directions in spite of what my family and friends thought.

But on the other side of it all was FREEDOM. And true success. Because he’s the secret: When you follow what fulfills you, success is easily achieved.

So really, download this free audio training that you can do privately in front of your computer. It’ll give you some instant clarity and confidence (in as little as 10-15 minutes) so you can move forward.

Or read on for the four steps you can take today to get yourself feeling better fast.

First, you should know the underlying reasons you feel this way

You’re questioning your current life situation for one of two reasons:

  1. You don’t know how to get what you want so the path forward is unclear. This has you waffle about what to do. Quite often you’ll then question if you even want what you thought you wanted in the first place!
  2. You are in a career or relationship or environment that is authentically not connected to who you are and what you want to be and what to want to contribute to the world. The authentic you cries out.

And that, the “What am I doing with my life” problem is a good one to have

The best way to think of what’s going on is to consider that you have an internal elastic band built into you. When you get further away from what you want and value your elastic band stretches. This creates resistance. The “what am I doing with my life?” questioning is a sign resistance is occurring.

When you’re in line with what you deeply want your elastic band will move back into place and you’ll feel whole. You’ll feel at peace. So, now is your time to take stock of where you are going and to listen to your internal barometer. You can do that simply by downloading this free training session that’ll give you the clarity you need fast.

4 Steps -What to do to gain clarity and be confident about what to do next

Okay, so you’ve heard the signal, now what? You might find yourself seeking guidances friends or family, or a mentor, thoughts leader,  life coach or therapist first, but here’s the thing: You’re the only that can figure it out!

This is YOUR life and you are the only one who can make the decisions you need to make. What you really need is clarity. And you can bet, if you’re like most people you’ll struggle and look for it externally.

But, what is more effective is doing some internal work.

Step 1: Empty your head of all the noise

When you start to notice that you have a lot of “what am I doing with my life?” thoughts you will immediately start asking yourself WHY. People are inquisitive by nature. It’s part of being human and you will naturally go to a place of :”Why do I feel this way?”And then you’ll start to ask: “What should I do?”. 

Then, you’ll start entertaining a whole lot of thoughts about why and what. You’ll struggle with what to do next. And, you’ll look externally for answers to get clarity. This is a common trajectory. If you start doing this, you can bet you’ll get nowhere. You’ll find yourself going around in circles. At this point, some people start to make silly decisions that don’t move them in the right direction.

When there is a lot of mental chatter in your head, the clarity you seek remains elusive.

What you need is to get to place of nothing, so you can create something new. New ideas and new inspiration only emerges when you get your mind to a place of nothing. To have it be blank.

Really, take a moment to think about this. When you are feeling deep joy or happiness, what are you thinking about? Your mind is either blank or fixated on one object (like the blue sky outside). Mentally the space of your mind isn’t full, it’s empty. And in that space only then can new things show up.

Or think of it this way…An artist will have more ideas when confronted with a blank canvas versus looking at a painting they’ve been working with for months but haven’t gotten anywhere with. And sometimes just looking at a blank canvas will give them the inspiration of what they need to do with the old canvas. If they keep going back to the old canvas they will draw inspiration from what the filter in front of them without event noticing it.

Here’s a quick exercise you can download and do to gain that clarity your seeking.

How to get to nothing

So, when you are in a head space of “What should I do?“, just notice it, be aware of it, and then do whatever you need to do to stop thinking about anything.

Do something fun.

Do something physical, like go for a run or a walk.

Go be in nature.

Talk to other people and get out of your own head!

Go focus on a work project.

Listen to an audiobook.

Do whatever you need to do to forget everything you’ve been thinking about. That’s when the ideas will pour in.

This isn’t some woo-woo advice, it’s backed by neuroscience. You’re brain is always running on two modes of activity. When you’re not focused on any task or problem your brain goes into a mode of thinking called your Default Mode Network (DMN). This is where important connections take place and inspiration pours in.

So Step 1 is to do what you need to forget everything your thinking about. This might take trying a number of things. Go get lost in something. Get your mind to a blank canvas, and ideas will start to pop up. Or try this free audio visualization training now and the inspiration you need will come to you easily

Step 2: Listen and evaluate 

Listen to the ideas that start to pop into your mind.

Capture them by writing them down somewhere. Really. Writing your ideas down is important. It helps you develop them and see them in reality not just in your head.

Start to play with your ideas.

A great way to evaluate ideas you have is to imagine yourself in the near future doing what you think you might want to do. Mentally try on different things. When you visualize (daydream in other words) it activates the same circuits as if you were physically take those actions.. You can use visualization start to see what actions inspires you and excites you and lights you up.

There will be ideas that speak to you. Ideas that you get stuck on. Ideas that make you feel awesome just thinking about them. Those are the ideas to build on.

Try this free visualization training session to mentally try on what your future “perfect day” might look like

Step 3: Create a smart strategy

Once you have some ideas of where you might like to steer your life, the changes you need to make and the actions you need to take will show up. They’ll start to become obvious to you.

At this point play with your options. Share your ideas with other people. Crowdsource! Ask them for their thoughts and advice. It’s what I call “table-ing your ideas.”

Here are some questions to get you thinking: What should I do with my life…

  • What’s the big picture outcome I have for my life? 
  • Why is this important to me?
  • What can I do now to fulfill on this plan?
  • What current needs do I need to meet? (For instance you might want to completely change careers but you have bills to pay so you need to be able to manage these two things)
  • What are the obvious things I can do right away?

Zoom in from your big picture of what you want to achieve 3 months and 6 months out. Consider the actions you need to take to accomplish what you want.

The “What am I doing with my life” transformation exercise

One of the best ways to do this is:

  1. Simply draw a horizontal line on a piece of paper
  2. Write down what you want at the end of the line
  3. At the start of the line, write down where you’re starting from now
  4. Then, chart out the obvious actions you need to take

Pick the pathway that inspires you, the one that makes you feel confident and satisfied immediately, because you’ll be moving in the right direction but also fulfilling on what you need to do now to make a shift.

The question: “What should I do with my life?” will start to become answered.

Step 4: Take action

Once you know what to do, take one small action. This will give you relief. You’ll start to move your life in a new direction. You’ll begin to make progress versus staying stuck and feeling lost or hopeless.

Remember that action leads to progress and progress is good. Action will also create momentum. You’ll gain traction and keep moving forward.

As you progress remember that the thought “what am I do with my life?” is a signal. It’s a sign you need to stop, evaluate and gain clarity on what you need to do to proceed.

Related articles:

Why more time spent doing nothing will make you more productive

Posted on by

Have you ever had the experience that your greatest ideas come to you when you’re not focused on them?

Like you’re standing in the shower thinking about a work challenge and suddenly you come up with a solution. Or, you’re on vacation, laying by a pool, sipping a cocktail and suddenly you know what direction to take your business in. Or, you go to bed in a tiff with your partner not knowing what to do and wake up with clarity and the actions to take to settle the dispute are obvious?

It’s because you do. Your brain is making critical connections when you’re not focusing your attention on a task, when you’re letting your mind wander.

Why more time spent doing nothing will make you more productive

When you are doing nothing your brain goes into a mode of thinking called your Default Mode Network (DMN). This is opposed to the mode it’s in when you’re focused on a task, which is your Task Mode Network (TMN). Using both these modes of thinking is critical. But most of the time we are using too much of our TMN and not enough of our DMN. When you’re in your DMN, that’s when creativity, rejuvenation and magic happens.

So if you get anything out of reading this post, get this: Relax more, work a bit less and you’ll be more productive, efficient and effective in everything you do.

You own your dreams and what you choose to do with them.

Relaxing more = increased productivity

Massively successful people like Thomas Edison, Leonardo Da Vinci, Einstein and artist Salvador Dali were smart enough to notice this about themselves. They learned that their creative brain was most subtle at certain times. They didn’t necessarily know why — as neuroscientists are beginning to understand today — but, it is said that both Edison and Dali used to fall asleep with large objects in their hand so that the moment they were in deep sleep they would drop the object, wake up and would have a solution or a stroke of creative inspiration.

Einstein went as far as to say that: “imagination is more important than knowledge”. Stimulating useful creativity really involves being able to embrace and use a childlike inclination for play as an adult.

I want you to understand how useful your daydreams are. They are not just useless fantasies. They contain valuable information about what you authentically want and the actions you should be taking to move you in the direction of a future that inspires you.

Eric Klinger is a professor of psychology at the University of Minnesota who devoted his career to understanding daydreams and in his book, Daydreaming, he writes:

“We think of daydreams as scatterbrained and unfocused, but one of the functions of daydreaming is to keep your life’s agenda in front of you; it reminds you of what’s coming up, it rehearses new situations, plans the future and scans past experiences so you can learn from them.”

If you’re willing to place value on your daydreams, to notice them, allow yourself to daydream you can extract valuable information from them about your authentic self and what you deeply desire.

Successful people are big daydreamers. And they use daydreaming very strategically whether they unconsciously see that they are doing this or not. They respect and use their daydream thinking and many learn at young age that when they key into the things they think about and use it in reality it benefits them.

This is especially tough for many of us to do today. We live in the era of information and our environment is constantly demanding our attention and taking up the time we spend daydreaming. Most people go to bed and wake up with their cell phones.

There’s a focus on being productive, being efficient. In fact, it’s how we are conditioned. We are conditioned to work and get things done and not to daydream.

So today, when you’re in the mode of go-go-go take a moment to reset. Even if it’s just for five to ten minutes. Sit down, get quiet. Think. Daydream. Imagine. See what comes up. See if this relaxation time amplifies your output and makes you feel more joyful and connected.

And start honoring your daydreams. Ask yourself:

What is this imagery telling me about what I want and need to do?

Then don’t push it aside. Use it. You are the only owner of your dreams. You’re the only one that has the power to grow an idea, a dream, that you have for yourself. On the flip side, you also are the only one that can stomp out your dream and stop it from becoming a reality.

So, today, take some time to chill. Relax a bit more this week and see how beneficial it is to your life and your goals.

How to fail at almost everything and still win big

Posted on by

Most people don’t want to fail. That’s because society conditions us to see failure as bad and something to avoid. This is not the case. Failure is not bad. However, this doesn’t necessarily mean it’s good either.

I’m certainly not urging you to go fail. But what I am urging you to do is be realistic. You can’t avoid failure.

Failure is inevitable. You can’t escape it. Think of it more as a law you can’t dispute, like gravity. Or like the wind or rain. Failure happens even if you try and avoid it there are so many variables in life you can’t control.

When you think of failure as good or bad this is the subjective filter you your circumstances through. So you decide what you want failure to mean and how you want to relate to it.

How to fail at almost everything and still win big

You can’t avoid failure, and you shouldn’t try. This doesn’t mean you should take giant risks. You still want to try and mitigate major failures, because anytime you fail in a massive way, your brain captures the moment, stores it and will do everything in its power to have you not suffer the experience again.

So, here are my five rules for how to fail at almost everything and still win big…

how to fail at almost everything and still win big

Rule #1: Fail small

You want to fail small. Focus on incremental progress. The actions you take in pursuit of the major goals you’re out to achieve in life should be at the edge of what’s comfortable for you. Think: Expansion. Think: Growth.

Small failures won’t stop you. In many cases they will propel you forward into the next action. This is because if you’re willing to assess and learn from your failures, and the insights you gain from them, you will get closer to success. You start to see what to do from learning what not to do.

Which, brings me to my next rule for failing like a master…

Rule #2: Use every failure as a learning opportunity

Reshape your entire context of failure so you view it as a feedback mechanism to your progress. When you fail, all there is to do is look at what led to the failure. Then estimate what you need to succeed, and put that in for next time.

When you fail, you want to stop and ask yourself the following questions:

  1. What outcome did I not achieve that I wanted to?
  2. Why? What action or structure was I missing? Speculate.
  3. What am I putting in place to improve the outcome next time.
  4. What valuable learning can I celebrate from this failure?

Sometimes a failure means you’re going the wrong way and you need to change your entire strategy. Sometimes a failure means you need to learn something new.

A failure can mean you’re very close and now you know the last thing you need to do to win.

When you look at failure as a way to assess your progress, you can look at what action led to the failure, and what you can do to improve as you continue to pursue your goal.

Rule #3: Depersonalize your failure

When you fail, step back and evaluate the circumstances. Take yourself out of the equation for a moment and look at the actions that led to the failure.

One of the biggest errors most people make when they fail at something is they personalize their failure with thoughts and language such as: “I failed”. Instead, focus on the failure as being a breakdown around the actions you took. You didn’t fail, an action you took failed. Sometimes it can be that you failed to insert a specific action.

For instance, let’s say you were in a long term relationship with someone you invested years with and considered marrying. One day the other person ends the relationship. You start to lament and think about all the things you did wrong and how you are a failure in relationships. You start to personalize the situation.

Instead of making the failure about you, depersonalize it. Look at the facts. What failed was the relationship, not you. And maybe you encouraged the relationship to fail, but it’s only because there were actions you took (or failed to take) that led to the breakdown. Your actions caused the failure, not you.

If you are having trouble wrapping your head around this, it helps to think of a baby learning to walk. If that baby stumbles and falls, is that baby a failure? No. The baby failed to walk. The baby isn’t an entire failure. It’s learning to achieve a complex task that it has never done before. You’re no different.

Rule#4: Bring empathy to the situation

Most people are really hard on themselves. I’ve learned this from coaching hundreds of people, and from listening to my own mental chatter. And this usually gets worse when we fail.

If you get mad at yourself when you fail it helps to remember to bring empathy to the situation. I learned this from the Dalai Lama.

When you start blaming and getting angry at yourself, step back and take a moment to relate to your situations with love, with kindness with self-compassion. Looking at yourself as a baby. A baby can do no wrong. Self kindness gives you energy strength and the will to keep going.

Healing comes through forgiving yourself, and being kind to yourself. Seeing what you did as something not to repeat. Or something to learn and grow from.

Negative self talk and blaming yourself is a choice. It’s something you need to train out of yourself. When you fail, go be by yourself, get quiet, love yourself.

Rule #5: Write a failure story

For cataclysmic failures you have trouble overcoming, use this trick I learned from Robert Steven Kaplan. He’s the former Senior Associate Dean and Professor of Management Practice at Harvard Business School, and currently the president and CEO of the Federal Reserve Bank of Dallas.

When you have trouble getting over a failure write a failure story. Here is how: Write a short story about your failure that gets all your thoughts out on paper. Write about why you suck, why you’re a failure, and use intense emotions when you write it. Then, read the story to someone out loud. Eventually, as you read it, it becomes silly to you. It loses the emotional weight. (This might take a couple of repeated readings out loud.)

You will start to pull your emotions out of the failure, and see it as just a silly thing you can overcome.

I recommend doing this only when you have a lot of trouble overcoming a failure. You know, one that gnaws at you, and that you can’t let go.

Remember: A failure is only a failure if you see it as one. Let me repeat that: A failure is only a failure if you see it as one.

Your life is just a series of events. You’re born you take actions. The actions you take produce certain results and then get you closer or farther from where you want to go.

This thing called “failure” is a concept you were conditioned to believe in. In the world we live in, there’s an agreement of what success looks like. What’s not that is failure. So failure is really a belief you have about something that’s happened. And beliefs can be changed.