How to have people love you by being an amazing friend

Posted on August 11, 2016August 22, 2017 by Kay Walker

Use the six methods below to be a people magnet. Not only that, you will deepen the connections with all the people in your life (and soon-to-be in your life!) that are important to you – your lovers, family members, friends and coworkers.

While all the relationships you have are different, they require the same qualities of being an amazing friend.

How to have people love you by being an amazing friend

1. Listen more. When you spend time with someone, really listen to what they say. Give them the space to express themselves. Allow them to lead the conversation.

Woman greeting her boyfriend and embracing. Young woman welcoming her friends at party. Young friends arriving at rooftop party.

All people have a deep desire to be heard and understood. And most people are terrible listeners. Giving your listening to other people is one of the most generous gifts you can give.

When you listen to people they love to be around you because they experience being listened to. This makes them feel important.

2. Share authentically. Share authentically about what you’re out to accomplish in life. Share about your victories. Be honest about your struggles.

Sharing authentically creates deep bonds, because in most cases what’s happening to you, others can relate to. When you share relatable experiences it brings you closer to people.

When you share about your challenges it also ignites in others a desire to help you in any way they can. Most people love to be of service to others. Let them. And be of service back.

3. Make the effort. If there is someone in your life or someone you want to get to know, don’t wait for them to invite you somewhere, take this on yourself.

Even if you’re the only one who seems to be making a consistent effort, if you want a relationship with this person, keep doing it. Most people aren’t good at taking initiative. So, if they don’t reciprocate planning or inviting you places, keep doing it until they do. Take 100% responsibility for who you are in all relationships.

Drop your expectations. Give unconditionally. Be useful where you can. Make people who are important to you feel special.

4. Hold people to their greatest self. This isn’t about flattery, it’s about seeing the greatness in people that they don’t see for themselves and then holding them to it.

For instance, let’s say you have a friend that is supposed to give a presentation and hates public speaking. They say to you: “I’m not a natural performer and I have nothing good to say. I don’t want to do this”. You say (and you really think this): “Are you kidding? I’ve seen you present and it blew me a way! You are so great with people. They are engaged in what you say. And you can talk about so many topics. To be honest, I think you’re such an incredible presenter that you should be on tv”.

When you do this, people get who they are beyond what they think of themselves. They see their greatness in you and it has them want to be around you. You lift them up.

5. Be a vault. Trustworthiness is a crucial quality for successful relationships. You should feel safe with the people you care about just as they should feel safe to confide in you. Be a vault. If you desire to tell someone else’s secret, tell yourself to”shut up”. Protect your friends as you would wish to be protected.

6. Cut the gossip. Don’t gossip about people. Period. Start relating to gossip as a disgusting habit. It’s not that you can’t speak about others, just don’t say bad judgmental things about them. Great relationships don’t require gossip to foster bonds.

Keep in mind: If anyone in your life engages in gossip with you, they likely talk about you to others behind your back. If they try to engage you in gossip just stick to saying nice things about the person your speaking about or change the topic.

Stick to these six rules and you’ll attract people easily into your life. You will also become a better person yourself. Someone you are proud to be in relationships. You’ll learn more about life and about yourself from the people in your life. And they will learn from you.

Life is all about relationships, choose them wisely. Go be with people that make you smile, laugh and inspire you to be your best you.

For free communication tools and formulas join Awesome Life Club.

These questions for coples will spark a more passionate relationship

Posted on June 6, 2016August 20, 2017 by Kay Walker

Questions for couples in this free relationship tool will bring you closer

Do you remember what it was like to fall in love with your spouse or partner? While relationships evolve and grow they can also hit lulls and dry spells. And it takes work to keep the passion alive, interesting and engaging. So the tool below is free to help you develop a more passionate relationship, which features key questions for couples to ask each other.

If you have been with your love for a year or more and want to inject new energy, excitement, love or passion into your relationship, then you’ve come to the right place.

I’ve got an easy (and free) formula you can grab below, that you use to reignite the passion, experience more freedom and connection with your partner than you ever have before. It can help you feel again like you did in the first year of your relationship.

Feel like you did in the first year of your relationship again

For most people, it goes something like this:

At times, you felt physically addicted to your lover.
They activated your physiological processes, made your palms sweat, heart race, pupils dilate.
The world felt perfect and peaceful when you were with them.
You couldn’t stop thinking about them.
Being in love with them made you do silly, nutty things to make sure they were happy and to keep them as your mate!

For most couples, the first six months of their relationship are the most passionate. Often they’re the most satisfying.

Relationships change, but can maintain their greatness

Overtime, while the relationship may change and may maintain its greatness, the first six months or so always stand as the those days when you were falling in love and it was “electrifying”.

Most couples lose the passion that existed in the early stages of their romance overtime. Many accept it, think that’s how it goes. And to a certain extent this is true. Of course relationships mature. So this is not a bad thing. passion can evolve into deep, connected love. And it can also fade, stale or go stagnant.

Early in a relationship, your brain releases euphoria-inducing chemicals

All humans in the early stages of love go through brain chemical changes. During the early stage your brain releases euphoria-inducing chemicals — hormones including dopamine, oxytocin, adrenaline, and vasopressin.

In a 2010 Syracuse University study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, a team of researchers observed the brains of people looking at pictures of their romantic partners. They learned that this fired brain regions similar to those triggered in cocaine addicts.

But here’s the other common phenomenon that happens that has couples lose passion and satisfaction. In the beginning of a love relationship each party is all about satisfying the other person, that’s their focus. But overtime, the relationship becomes more and more about YOU, and your satisfaction levels, and what you’re not getting.

Still, you can do something about it today to immediately reconnect with your partner, experience more freedom in your relationship, and reignite the passion. (Keep reading, the free relationship tool is below.)

Loss of passion is normal

First it’s important to understand, this loss of passion is normal, natural, and there’s nothing wrong.

Here’s why it happens: Human beings at a base physiological are self-serving. Why? Because our brain’s first priority is to manage our survival needs. Part of that, means having us move towards things in life that are pleasurable and away from things that aren’t.

So, since you and I and everyone is always unconsciously self-serving. When it came to choosing your partner, you looked for someone who matched what you wanted in a partner, someone who made you better. And then you got them to love you by showing them how great you are – being loving, buying them nice things, taking an interest in what they love.

Making an effort comes naturally

At this stage of “woo-ing” and getting them to love you, you make an effort and it comes naturally.

If the relationship continues and you don’t make an effort to adapt, naturally what happens is you keep focusing on what you want. Because this how you’ve learned to operate for years. Nothing wrong about it, but here’s what usually happens.

Now that you’ve got your partner, you don’t have to try to woo them you just have to maintain their satisfaction so they don’t leave, and of course, you’re going to make sure you are getting what you need to be satisfied.

Bottom line: both parties tend to focus less on what the other person needs, and their selfish needs are instead.

As your life together changes, so will your personal needs

It becomes more complex when what each person needs change as time goes one and the relationship changes. For instance, if you go from being a couple to having a baby, the entire relationship dynamic changes and each party needs different things to feel satisfied.

The solution: Both parties need to forget about what they need and focus on what the other person needs, solely.

For example, if my partner wants to retire, feels fulfilled by spending time with me and appreciates when I make dinner for him every night then that is all I need to do.

Doing this will change the entire relationship dynamic.

Feed the relationship with regular communication

Now, here’s the other component to know what each person needs and wants with regards to their satisfaction in the relationship regular communication needs to happen. It doesn’t need to take a long time, but you do need to check in with each other in a “how is our relationship going for you?” kind of way.

To do this, it helps to have an assessment structure. Similar to relationships and in business and school we have performance assessments. Especially when you consider that humans aren’t robots. There are factors that affect our performance. We’re also not mind readers. In order to work in teams or in partnership we have to communicate so we can make sure everyone is on the same page.

Why do couples fail to ask the right questions of each other?

Since there is obvious value to having assessment structures in partnership, why do most people fail to review, renegotiate terms and have conversations about their marriages with the same resolve?

Many couples also don’t have conversations about obvious deal breakers before they get hitched. If you’re not married yet, but will be soon, it’s good to ask your potential lifetime partner if they want kids, etc. If you are not committed to the same lifestyle you should call it quits sooner than later.

Rarely do husbands and wives say what they need to say to each other when they need to say it. When they do say it, is there ever a time where they can say what needs to be said without repercussions? Often a partner can feel deeply hurt or angry. Or they end up holding it against the other in a state of quiet resentment.

(As an aside: This is especially true if your partnership is traditional. Men and women have different communication styles.)

So, here is the process. It’s quite simple and I’ve provided a free relationship tool to help you in the process:

Implement a bi-annual or annual relationship assessment

Implement an annual assessment where you interview each other at a scheduled time.

That either sounds simple, scary, or both. Or in some cases: Neither. Whatever your reaction to this, stay with me while I share the rules.

The assessment should follow this structure:

Step 1. Interview: Questions for couples to ask each other

Person A interviews Person B. During this time Person A is only allowed to listen and ask questions. Person A is not allowed to respond in any other way. They should listen calmly to the other person. And, not get upset in any way. They are simply to listen like they would if interviewing a stranger. Anything that is said is not allowed to be used against Person B at a future date.

Step 2. Switch: After one person asks questions, the other gets to ask

Person B interviews Person A. During this time Person B is only allowed to listen and ask questions. Person B is not allowed to respond in any other way and is to do their best to listen calmly to the other person without getting upset in any way. They are simply to listen like they would if interviewing a stranger. Anything that is said is not allowed to be used against Person A at a future date.

Step 3. Create structures: Create a plan to fix what comes up

Create measurable structures to fix anything that comes up. The questions for couples in the tool may cover frustration from one of the parties.

I’m serious when I say: You need to do this! Grab the rules and interview script provided below and schedule a time with your partner to chat. Make it fun. Go for date night.

Oh, and make sure you have the house to yourselves when you get home. No children, no TV, no distractions. Just focus on each other.

Click here to get the Amazing Relationship Interview Questions now!

Related: 50 more questions for couples to ask each other that will bring them closer

Is judgement in the way of your success?

Posted on May 18, 2016July 13, 2016 by Kay Walker

You can’t judge a book by its cover – ok well maybe you do any way

Have you ever had the experience of disliking someone you really didn’t have a good reason to dislike? Maybe you just met them and there is this “something” about them you can’t stand?

Or, maybe there is someone in your social circle or at work you are not a fan of but have to deal with regularly. Each time you have be around them you cringe.

Here’ a quick story about how I went from loathing to loving a person and what I learned about our natural instincts of judgement. Learning how to control judgement and get rid of it when it’s in the way of opportunity can have you expand your success in all areas of life.

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Six years ago I was taking a leadership course in New York. It was a three-day course and each evening we had a list of assignments. One them was to bring a dictionary to class.

I forgot to do my homework and remembered only as I entered the room and noticed a sea of dictionaries. I sat down feeling annoyed with myself.

Of course you forgot! You’re so disorganized. You suck!

Moments later in walked a classmate that I referred to in my head as “Mr. Perfect”. Not the most creative label but it did the job to describe how I related to this man.

He strolled in dressed like a high paid business man, someone you’d find on Wall Street. And so damn fit and polished in appearance. He sat down across the room with the world’s largest most comprehensive dictionary. (Like, really dude?)

Of course he brought the most extensive dictionary in the world. It was just like him to do so. I was aggravated. I thought: “How could a person be so perfect, so put together all the the time?”

And, yes, there was a shred of jealousy. I certainly didn’t feel very perfect and polished most of the time, no matter how I tried.

Months after this weekend we were out with a group of mutual friends at a pub. After a few beers we had a conversation that completely shifted the dynamic of our non-relationship. It went something like this:

Mr. Perfect: “You know, I think I actually like you. You’re actually pretty cool. To be honest, I used to think you were a cold bitch”.

Me: “Me? A bitch?!”

Mr. Perfect: “Ya. You were always sitting in class with a pissed off look on your face, all serious with your arms crossed. What’s with the f**** you attitude?”

Me: “Woah. I never knew I came off like that. I’m the sweetest kindest person. I don’t hate anybody. I’m actually very insecure about the way I look. I never feel good enough. I think that’s why I come off cold and distant. I don’t know how you can be so polished all the time. You’re like a Mr. Perfect.”

Mr. Perfect: “Me? You think I’m perfect? I certainly don’t think that about myself. Truth is, I’m pretty hard on myself. I never think I’m good enough.”

After this conversation things were never the same and they couldn’t be. We had both been unabashedly authentic with each other and fessed up to what we thought. We were able to understand each other on a deeper level. We were both dealing with different versions of the same feelings of inadequacy.

But most importantly, we were able to remove our judgements of each other and experience each other for who we were. He was no longer “Mr. Perfect” he was just a guy with similar challenges and issues as myself.

And we became good friends. (And we ended up going on a few dates.) Today, years later, that person runs a charity for children that my husband created.

This experience had me learn some profound things about judgement:

Judgements are natural. First of all there’s nothing you can do to get rid of judgements. In fact, all thoughts are judgements. You just want to filter what’s a true threat versus what’s a bias from from your past. Noticing a judgement allows you to disrupt it and choose a new action.

Judgements keep us safe. They are important because it’s what us humans use to evaluate our environment and decide if it’s safe before we interact with it. For instance, “that driver is an idiot” will have you slow down and avoid them, potentially saving your life if they make a mistake in their haste.

Judgements kill opportunities. Start to monitor your judgements. Ask yourself could: “I be missing a major opportunity in this circumstance or with this person?” You may be looking for a higher paying job or an “in” with a company and the person you are judging could either be the hiring manager or the connection to the right person that you need to speak to.

When judging someone from all sides, you gain tremendous power, and insight. Developing the skill of objective thinking can help you see all sides of a situation and make a better, more accurate judgement. Is your neighbor really an idiot, or was she just having a bad day? (Maybe her child or her mom has cancer. Find out.)

Here is a brief checklist to help you manage your judgements.

If you notice yourself judging someone, then just notice it. Don’t be mad at yourself, it is natural. But the victory is disrupting it. Instead, choose a new action. Go introduce yourself. Find common ground with them. Offer to help them with something. Buy them a muffin (if they like muffins).
Ask yourself why you are judging them. Typically negative judgements come from your past. Maybe the person in front of you looks like a mean neighbor you had as a child. Consider where the judgement came from. It can be fascinating to discover where a judgement came from.
Validate the judgement. Engage with the person you are judging in an effort to prove yourself wrong. Be curious about them. Ask questions. Be kind and have empathy. Most of the time you’ll discover they are not who you think they are.

So now that you have some basic skills, it’s time to take this to the next level. What if you take the steps above and discover the person really is nasty or mean, or not someone you want to associate with.

You’ll need some tools to handle that. Join Awesome Life Club and learn how to turn enemies into allies.

3 ways to be confident on demand

Posted on May 16, 2016July 29, 2016 by Kay Walker

How to be confident on demand

Let’s face it, when you are confident about yourself (and your abilities), it feels amazing. I’m sure you’d agree with that statement. In moments of confidence, we feel invincible, and we act accordingly.

On the flip side, a lack of confidence gets in the way of your ability to seize major opportunities and express yourself in all areas of life.

In the book, The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self-Assurance, co-authors Claire Shipman and Katty Kay goes as far as to say that confidence is:

“life’s enabler — it is the quality that turns thoughts into action.”

And taking action is crucial. It’s one of the only ways you make progress in all areas of life.

Without confidence, you could end up living a very small unfulfilled life. And that’s not you. Well, it’s not anybody. All humans are meant to be involved in life. To have fun. To feel. To enjoy. To be fully self-expressed.

So, lack of confidence, no more! Here are three methods you can use to gain confidence in any moment when you lose it. Use whichever one you like and feel works for a given situation.

There are two free tools you can grab below. A template for building your own Awesome You List and a guide called: 12 Ways to Be Confident On-Demand.

And if you think they are silly or seem weird the first time you try them, stay with them. You’ll abandon that they are “silly”, and will get the tremendous results using them.

Be Confident on Demand – 3 Easy Methods

#1 – Build yourself an ‘Awesome You’ list:

Spend some time alone building a list that expresses why you are an incredible person. Make sure you have the list handy, that you can pull it up easily from your mobile phone, for example.

In times where don’t feel confident step away from what you are doing and read your awesome you list. It will help you become grounded in how powerful you are and the contribution you have to give.

What’s important is that when you build the list you brag about all the great qualities you have and your accomplishments. Indulge your ego! Write down all the reasons why you believe you’re awesome.

It can be anything from: “I take great pride in the way I look. I love my long brown hair”, to “I’m proud of the business I built two years ago and how it’s succeeded”, to “I’m an incredible mother. I bake cookies for my son, I play with him everyday, I make an effort to be with him each day”.

Build an “Awesome You” list

If you have trouble generating your list you can query someone you have a close relationship with. Ask them why you are great. They might be able to tell you better than you can tell yourself. And when they do, listen and don’t dispute what they say.

Humans are great at ruining their positives traits with negative thoughts. Don’t let those run the show. The entire point of the list is for it to be used as a tool that reminds of your strengths. It’s meant to be a personal “cheerleader” for you at all times.

Personally, I use my awesome you list before I speak or am interviewed or before I meet people for the first time. It helps me shake off the nerves and reminds me that I am a valuable asset to all situations.

#2 – Character Modeling:

Take on the characteristics of someone else

Take on the characteristics of someone you admire

What if you were in a moment where you lacked confidence and you could immediately shift from being you to being the person you think is the ideal person for that situation? Like, you’re about to step on stage but you’re a pile of nerves because you’re not a practiced live speaker. Perhaps, you’d love to be like Oprah Winfrey who has spent her life interacting with people and being on stage and on tv.

You can do that. You can step out of being you and take on the characteristics of someone else. Think of it as if you are putting on a suit, or role-playing. Here’s how:

Mentally take a moment to think about the person you’d like to be in that moment. Sometimes it helps to close your eyes and visualize them and how they would behave in a similar situation. Then, mentally or on paper list the traits they exhibit that you admire.

Before you get into action, tell yourself you are going to be like that person. Alternatively, you can tell yourself you are going to model their traits. Anytime you lose confidence go back remind yourself of this.

If it helps, you can build an avatar – a detailed description – of how that person looks and behaves on paper. If have access to your avatar from anywhere you can remind yourself of the qualities you would like to exhibit.

Eventually, you’ll stop needing to put on your “character suit” because the behaviors you’ve been practicing are yours, because you’ve physically rewired your brain.

#3 – Visualizations:

Your brain does not know the difference between you visualizing yourself taking action or physically taking action. The same pathways in the brain fire. The more a pathway is triggered the faster it speeds up. Which means, the action will become automatic to you and your body.

This means, you can mentally practice achieving any desired outcome. When you see yourself winning in your mind you’ll start to believe in yourself and become more confident.

So visualize a scenario where you see yourself being confident. You can visualize a performance many times prior to it. However, if you find yourself in a moment of weakness right before or during an activity, simply close your eyes for a few moments and see yourself achieving what you desire. In your minds eye, see yourself e confident on demand

For instance, if you’re standing behind a curtain waiting to go on stage and you’re feeling nervous, you can close your eyes and practice seeing yourself speaking eloquently in front of an engaged audience. When you step on stage the negative chatter will die and you’ll step into being confident.

These three confidence-boosting tactics can be used anytime, anywhere. Try them two or three times before you say they aren’t working for you. Get over the “this is silly, why am I doing this?” thoughts that you may have and do it anyway. You’ll love the results.

And, if you love what you’ve read here, grab this free guide: 12 Ways to Be Confident On-Demand.